The newspapers are (again) piling up on my floor, awaiting input into my blog. So here goes.

CRAZY MAP

For fun, a NJ guy created a map which lets you know at a glance, who lives in which areas of the Garden State. For example, he notes that Camden is “worse than Detroit” and that the area near there (Moorestown, Pine Hill…) is made of “Happy White Families.” Though there is a pocket inside there made up of “Huge Houses and Country Clubs.” Hoboken? “Hipsters.” Keansburg and Atlantic Highlands – “Where They Filmed Clerks.” Those residing along the Jersey Shore from Long Beach to a bit past Seaside Heights (you know, of Snooki fame), is “Working Class People and Beach Houses – Springsteen Country.” If you live in Jersey City or Bayonne, you’re part of “Poor Minorities.” And if you live in the South (Salem, Cumberland Gloucester counties), you live in “Pretty Much Alabama.”

Not surprisingly, many have taken offense at the characterizations. Anyone with ties to New Jersey, though, will want to look at the map. It’s meant to be a joke and tongue-in-cheek, the creator said to the Star Ledger. And it’s pretty funny.

INTERSECTIONS

I’ve blogged before about the crazy intersections and exchanges in New Jersey. Click this link to see an overview of the Newark Airport intersection. For those who have visited and have to remain silent as I navigate to/from it for the first 10 minutes, now you’ll know why.

More news from NJ:

–Six clerks at the Motor Vehicle Commission were charged with conspiring to sell fraudulent licenses to those who didn’t have the proper ID. They sold them for $2,500-7,000 each.

-A Newark community advocate was carjacked in November (and rendered unconscious for two days), and was told he’d have to pay $842 to get his car back (a month later, because apparently the car was then used to commit a crime). Mayor Cory Booker tweeted that the city credited him his money back and that it was a horrible mistake. Only that didn’t happen. 

-If you really, really, really wanted a bigger penis, would you get an enlargement from this woman? She’s alleged to have given a 22 year old father of 2 a silicone injection to make his member larger. He died of a blood clot (the silicone was injected into his blood stream). Here’s the shocking news: the woman is not licensed to practice medicine.

-More Newark news. Every year, the city published a list of citizens, businesses and nonprofits that didn’t pay their property taxes on time. Usually this list is 3-4 pages in the Star Ledger. But this time it was 36 pages and cost $72,000. Even Cory Booker was on the list for owing $2,820. The catch? City officials changed its property tax deadline from December to November, but didn’t inform taxpayers until November 22, saying they had to have paid their tax by November 19th, or their property would be put on lien. Oops! That didn’t cause any panic or problems.

-The town of Roselle is thinking of turning their town hall into a restaurant. Because the community needs the money.

-In Piscataway, a 22 year veteran of the police department plead guilty of stealing cocaine from the department’s evidence vault for personal use.

Wrestling is the weirdest sport. They wear these god-awful uniforms (singlets), dorky headgear, and they roll around with members of the same sex (i.e. it’s homoerotic).

Sometimes their starting position is this:

This is apparently called "the referee's position"

They take turns in this position. I could say what I think it looks like, but I think it’s obvious.

Needless to say, my son is wrestling this season. We figured he’s always wrestling his friends anyway, he should just learn the proper way to do it. He has a saint of a coach who has to corral 39 boys twice a week for 90 minutes into learning about wrestling (versus just attacking each other on the sidelines). And then organize different drills to keep them from climbing the padded walls. And to build some muscle in their spindly arms. Then he has to organize matches, where he and the other coaches pair the kids up based on ability and weight. And he’ a volunteer. (No, he doesn’t shower with them).

We went to our first meet, with what appeared to be 4 teams. Who could tell? Most of the boys were wearing blue and there were boys running around everywhere. They had 5 matches going on at once, each with a volunteer coach screaming instructions at them while they rolled around. Yes, that means 10 men screaming at the same time, in a relatively small gym with acoustics that amplified the sound. Usually those instructions were “stand up!” And then teammates were screaming from the sidelines. Did I mention it was really loud? And that I didn’t bring ear plugs? And that I couldn’t hear Dori talking next to me? Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, because usually she was making fun of her brother.

the picture doesn't make it look as loud or chaotic as it actually was

The 5 simultaneous matches were on the same mat where the kids were sitting and waiting for their turns. Frequently the boys would crash into another wrestling duo, or roll into the group of boys who were on the sidelines.

The boys all look the same (except you can tell the skinny ones from the fat ones). Zachary is so skinny it looked like his legs were going to break like twigs. And he’s not very good (kind of like Greg in this scene from Diary of a Wimpy Kid). But he’s having fun.

I love, love, love the local papers. Such a source of entertainment!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Recent Letter to the Editor: “I was thinking about the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, where people insert prayer lists in the crevices between the rocks. Wouldn’t it be great if Temple Beth-El in Cranford had a miniature version of the Wailing Wall, about 5 feet high and 10 feet long, on the temple’s front lawn or next to the temple’s parking lot, where people could insert their prayer lists in crevices between the rocks. Even though I’m Catholic, I’m also 1/16th Jewish, and I think it would be a great idea if we Cranford residents of all faiths had our own miniature version of Jerusalem’s Waliling Wall, where we could insert our prayer lists in crevices between the stones.”

Recent Letter to the Editor headline: Let’s make Westfield Officially a Safe-driving Town for Deer, Humans

STUPID RICH PEOPLE

Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you’re smart. Thank you to reader Stacie for submitting this one from a local NJ paper:

“A Fairfield Terrace resident reported the morning of Nov. 13 two unlocked vehicles, a Mercedes Benz and a Jaguar, were missing from the driveway. Inside the vehicle were not only the car keys, but the valet keys, according to police. Along with the cars, the owner also reportedly lost a wallet containing a driver’s license, social security card and miscellaneous credit cards.”

GREAT COACHES

Yes, Sandusky is bad. But we have a different version of coach here. “A youth basketball coach was charged with assault after allegedly punching a 17 year old girl twice during an altercation on a West Orange street last month.” Two girls were trying to cross the street and they yelled at him while he was in his car, because they thought it would hit them (ed: I’ve done that before). He reportedly yelled at them: “I will beat your ass” and then punched one girl in the nose, trying to hit her in the face after. Fortunately one girl got a cell phone picture of the license plate.

While we were relatively unscathed by Irene, we were hit harder by the no-name pre-Halloween nor-easter, which we have dubbed “F*&@tober.” While we were out of power for 53 hours (it came back Halloween night), many of our friends still have no power and are expecting to get it back by Saturday. That would be a week after the storm knocked it out.

this tree had major damage

This storm was said to be much worse than Irene, at least for trees damage and lost power. 700,000 people in New Jersey alone lost power (I think Connecticut had a similar number, in a smaller, less densely populated state). As of today, about 192,000 in NJ are still lacking power.

There’s an equivalent of New Jersey’s Route 22 in many places. It’s that long, ugly road with strip centers and stores that you wonder how they survive. I was driving on Route 22 last week, and thought I’d share some highlights:

Jesus Book Store

Borders may have gone out of business, but Jesus Book Store still exists!

Ivory Tower

This isn’t the Ivory Tower I imagined when living in Princeton’s home state.

Texas Weiners II

Not sure where Texas Weiner I is.

What are your favorite Route 22 stores???

Welcome to New Jersey!

 

Look at the middle (white) sign. Though I do love the plethora of arrows.

 

It’s always exciting when Mark and I get a date night. Especially when we go to a hip and trendy restaurant – something that’s not usually in the same sentence as “Kaplan.” Last night we actually had a double date, meaning with other adults, not our kids. Fortunately these adults expressed availability for that night on the morning of the date, because we plan so far ahead. They’re spontaneous folks too and like us, have no life.

I heard about this new hip and trendy restaurant, Patria, through my tennis instructor who is expert in all things New Jersey. Check out the link and you won’t believe this kind of hipness exists in Rahway, let alone New Jersey. Last time we ate in Rahway it was at David Drake’s old restaurant, which I believe had the unusual name of David Drake. The New Jersey chef is talked about in the media as being not only a great chef in New Jersey, but also recognized OUTSIDE NEW JERSEY. That was a delicious, expensive foodie meal, and we couldn’t believe that kind of restaurant existed in Rahway. It closed a week after we ate there.

Rahway has a sleepy downtown (another way of saying you worry you’ll get mugged at night) and up-and-coming potential. Because Patria had such a hip and trendy vibe, we risked our lives and parked the minivan block away so we wouldn’t harm the restaurant’s reputation.

We made early bird reservations, 6:30, because we know our kids won’t go to bed until we get home. We thought we’d be the only ones there, but we weren’t – the restaurant was almost full (but the bar was almost empty).

the mixology bar

We had a delicious meal of tapas, plus cocktails from the “mixology bar.” This sounds a little pretentious to me, but the Dark and Stormy Night (with dark rum and ginger beer), was the favorite at our table, and my Pineapple Express (with pineapple and some other stuff) came in a close second. The strawberry cilantro margarita was heavy on the cilantro (I liked it but our friend who ordered it didn’t), and the recommended watermelon something was the least favorite. The house sangria was good (not great).

The room was very dark, rendering my careful application of makeup moot. And it meant our friends had to drag out their old-people reading glasses so they could see the menu.

the Patria dining room - only it was "green" night when we were there - and much darker

Apparently there’s live music and an actual club/dancing scene at times later than 6:30 (and even later than when we left, at the yawn-inducing hours of 9:30). We could see the hip and trendy lounge and dancing area downstairs, plus the private VIP room with “Patria” spelled out in mystical lighting in the next room.

ooh - aah

The downstairs was empty, save for the restroom lady, who jumped up after I stumbled down the stairs (not literally) to use the ladies’ lounge. You see, I did a few too many knee bends in Friday morning exercise class and my thighs are now cramped up in pain, making it difficult to walk downstairs. Thank god for the restroom lady, though. She had a flat iron heated and ready after I used the facilities and washed my hands. I really needed that flat iron to make my hair look even flatter than usual. And she had a big bin of necessary supplies should my hair need spraying, my mouth need freshening, or my hoo-hoo need stuffing. The sign “THESE THINGS ARE NOT FREE” said it all. Too bad for the restroom lady that I left my “pocketbook” (New Jersey speak for purse/handbag) at the table. No tip for her for handing me that paper towel. I know she accepted tips because the big glass jar with several single dollars and some change rested just next to the soap pump (which I pumped myself, thank you very much) at the sink.

the restroom lady and her supplies were not available the day of photo shoot

The bill came, and we handed over our “15% off food only” coupon, scavenged from the (not) hip and trendy free Suburban News that comes on Thursdays with supermaket ads. As we left, we could see that the bar was full and there was a wait for tables.

In that wait, were two Jersey women, deserving of a spot on one of our famed reality shows Jerselicious or Real Housewives of New Jersey. One wore a tight animal print top with her ample boobs popping out. No one got an actual look at her face (though I’m sure she’d benefit from that flat iron in the restroom), because all eyes were on the boobage. The other woman had a similar top, though it was white, and had it all spilling out as well.

unfortunately I forgot my camera and was unable to capture the actual woman in the restaurant, so this will have to suffice

As we stepped outside, there were the Juicy Joe Guidice look-alikes. Perhaps his cousins. And parked right outside the restaurant was a white Rolls Royce with New York plates. Wow! Someone came from New York to this hip and trendy restauant/mixology lounge! We weren’t sure whether the car was rented to up the hipness factor, or people in Staten Island really do like to come to Rahway when their favorite Linden, NJ restaurant is closed for the night. We were glad our minivan was a block away (and that we didn’t get mugged on our way back to it).

By the time we got home at 10, the kids were still up (surprise!) and they were patiently waiting for us to tell them what they could eat for dessert. Apparently when we served them (pizza) dinner before we left, we didn’t specify the reward for eating that and watermelon. They’ve not yet learned to scarf down as much ice cream and candy as they can when we’re gone. I’m sure that day will come.

 

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ginnerobot/2667827972 - creative comons, Ginnerobot photo

You (and everyone in New York and New Jersey) say JYE-ROE, I say (correctly) JHEERO. In response, however, the persona at the counter says, “WHAT?” They have no clue what I’m talking about. Sigh.

This is the poor kid who lost won the walk to school contest. He got his picture in the local paper, and he got to walk with a local celebrity politician who is running for reelection. I bet this boy will never ever misbehave at home again, forcing his mother to turn in that raffle contest form.

And look! If you read the caption, you can find the website to learn more about the adult’s reelection campaign for town council. I wonder who turned in THAT picture and caption to the newspaper? I bet it wasn’t the boy’s mother. The boy had enough punishment already.

You want to buy my car?

There was a knock at the door. A guy stood there with his business card.

Him: Do you own the Acura on the street?

Me: Uh, yes.

Him: Do you want to sell your car?

Me: No.

Me: Wait, how much?

Him: However much you want.

Me: $10,000.

Him: No, that’s too much.

Me: Well, then, I don’t want to sell my car.

Him: Here’s my business card in case you change your mind.

 

Junk? What junk?