Posted by: Debbie Abrams Kaplan | August 3, 2013

Dear child of mine

Dear child of mine: I got your third email in a week. Maybe if I don’t respond you’ll continue to send me emails from camp? This is what you wrote:

Subject:

ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppplease?

can i ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppplease get a gerbil?
i will buy it's stuff.

love,
zack
p.s. pokemon soul silver is a pokemon ds game

It killed me how you used an apostrophe in “it’s.” Are you trying to get me to say yes? Because using punctuation incorrectly won’t do it. And have you heard of initial caps? Like in the beginning of a sentence or a proper name like Zack or pronoun like I?

I do love how hope triumphs over experience. Did your sister gain anything by sending us numerous emails and letters last year asking for a rabbit? Did she gain anything this summer begging for a lizard? No. Maybe if your dad was Richard Gere, you could a gerbil, but unfortunately for you, he’s not. Let’s face the facts: your father is an animal hater. Blame him. It’s all his fault. I’d let you get a gerbil – even a dog! But he won’t. You’re lucky he let you keep that Purim goldfish and that he only flushed it down the toilet AFTER it died.

But enough about him. We were in Boston last week. Did you get the Freedom Trail postcard I sent you? I remember how much you hated the Freedom Trail, so I thought I’d bring back some good memories. On the trip, while your dad was learning all about immunology, I was roaming the streets eating ice cream all day. And cannolis from Mike’s. Oh – and I had beer for breakfast at the Sam Adams tour. Did you get the postcard I sent you from there? It may have been illegible, since I drank about 28 ounces on an empty stomach and could barely write after leaving there.

These are my personal pitchers.

These are my personal pitchers. Notice how they’re mostly empty?

I also had beer tastings for lunch (a different day) at the Harpoon Brewery. I may devolve into doing shots of hard liquor at home pretty soon for brunch, so maybe you should skip out of camp early and come home.

Liquid lunch!

Liquid lunch!

Your dad and I ate out every night in Boston. We had expensive meals where they served NO pizza, NO chicken fingers, and NO ONE ordered just Coke as a drink. And we didn’t play Mad Libs during dinner. Nor cards. Nor dots. Nor hangman. We talked in complete sentences.

One night your dad and I went to an actual club with bouncers to get a drink. The bouncer looked us over (I had changed from my sneakers into my sexy flat sandals from Target, so I was looking pretty hot) and said “Okay, you can come in, but you have to leave by 10:30 before the crowd picks up.” We were so excited that a bouncer let us into a club at our age! I had make-up on and everything. We said “No problem. We have to be in bed by 10:30 because we have a big day of immunology lectures and a visit to the U.S.S. Constitution tomorrow. We want to beat the crowds over there.” It was a rockin’ evening.

I went to museums and listened to both audio and live tours and read EVERY caption. Twice. Because you weren’t there.

I saw some pictures of you at the camp science fair. Did you pick that experiment because you got to drink the soda after?

zack science fair

By the way, the house cleaner came the day you left for camp. She spent seven hours here cleaning. She came back again just yesterday. She took one look at the house and said “There’s nothing to clean!” and she went home. Wow. That’s never happened before!

Well, I’m assuming you’re having a good time at camp since you’re no longer puking and you’re doing experiments with soda. I saw a picture of you on the beach without your swim shirt. Fortunately you weren’t burned, but what were you thinking, pale boy? Put on your swim shirt!

Love, Mom


Responses

  1. Debbie, Oh my gosh please send these kids to camp more often. I bet if you took up a collection many of us fans would even contribute. These posts are priceless. Seriously, the part about the club with a bouncer should win something. I don’t know what but something.

  2. WOW!!

  3. wait, did a bouncer really say that to you, was he serious or joking? Glad you are enjoying the kid free life. We are contemplating boarding school as well.

    • Stacy – okay, totally joking about the bouncer! Though we did walk past Whiskey Priest which had numerous bouncers (or maybe bored employees) outside and we contemplated going inside. But then inertia took over and we just kept walking to the hotel. Boarding school…hmmm…need to make a lot of money for that to happen.

      • joking about the boarding school, but one can dream


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